Rest In Him

When I became a Christian...or at the point when I realized I was sinner, I realized it was all done by Him... 

As I grew to become a better Christian, I use my own strength and rely on myself to get close to Him... 

When I choose to follow Christ, one that I would give up my life to follow Him, I realized I can't do it on my own. I need His Strength.  It's all Him...

It's funny how things sometimes turn in full circle.  And in life, we often think we learn the lesson until our faults realize that we are off the course and have to relearn it again.  

I had the privilege of attending an African Service yesterday at Cornerstone Community Church.  I went there for a few reasons.  

One, the pastor and wife leading the congregation is also my relationship's mentor.  

Two, I spoke with the pastor to see where I can serve and he suggested I check the congregation out and see if I am interested.

Three, I never been to an African service before.  Since I am here in Singapore, outside of my comfort zone, I should discover and experience how worship is done in a different cultural context.

It was a great time.  There was a lot of singing and dancing. It was happy and it was joyful. I felt more like in a party than in a service.

The message of the service was on do not worry.

Stranger in a Strange Land

The theme was a stranger in a strange land.  Obviously, those attending the service was from Africa.  Thus, they are very far from home in Singapore.  I am far from my home.  The pastor is American and he's also far from his home.  So this message connects well to everyone.

The pastor was a missionary in Philippines. He married a Singaporean and shared how in the first four years, they moved six times.  There was one time when they were close to buying a house.  Then they realized they were con and they had two days left with the place they were staying.

He talked about relying on money.  Relying on PR (Permanent Resident is a pass you need to apply in order to stay in Singapore). 

In one point he said, 'if you think a bigger bank account will solve your problem, you are wrong. The problem is not a bigger bank account. The problem is internal.'  

How true, how true.  For the past few weeks, I've been watching my bank account very closely.  At OMF (Overseas Missionary Fellowship), they give me a monthly allowance.  I have to be careful to not overspend or I won't have money period.  He too shared about how as a missionary, those who give to pledge in the future, by the time they suppose to give, only 50% comes through.  Very scary.

It seems life is so insecure.  

Inconvenience

And we don't need to be a missionary to know that.  People, even Christians, worry whether they are saving enough to ______ (car, house, kids education, retirement etc.) In return, what often do we do, get more education or get a higher pay job.  It is almost an endless cycle.  Once we think a job with a higher pay will solve our problem and we toil ourselves for it.  That we MADE it!  We forget about it and the next problem comes.  Maybe more bills. Maybe this or that.  Then we pray and pray and wonder why God is not helping us.  And we work harder and harder.  

And so yesterday, I thought about going back to where can our security comes from?  In Christ.  

It is not a matter of just saying it, go to worship on Sun, tithe a bit and spend the rest of lives figuring out how our strengths can get the dream or lifestyle we deem right.  And I know sometimes I have such expectations in life.  Like if something is not met, I cannot survive.

For me, it is simply having internet at home.  I purchased an Internet stick in Singapore.  The irony is that I can use the Internet stick anywhere except at home.  There's no reception.  Even at now, it is quite inconvenient to type this post as I was in a park and it was raining. So I walked over to a mall to finish this post.

Expectations

What the pastor preached yesterday hit home in a number of fronts.  I think sometimes the worst is our own expectation we have to ourselves in what we need to live.  And just as I think I need Internet at home to live.  

One thing I learn from missionaries is that living in a cross culture, we need to stay flexible.  What we think is the 'right' way might not be the norm of things done.   And I am learning too. I am learning to let go all those expectations I had once thought I need in order for me to live. Internet, haha, such a simple thing.  But yes, need to stay flexible.  It is an inconvenience, it is not life and death.

I think a sign of a truly mature Christian is to rest in Him not in the good times and in the bad times.  In times when we feel we are inadequate, we keep moving.  In another words, can I rest in His security when I have no money? Or not knowing when the next meal will come? or no home?  

**Side note, if you are reading this and I know myself too, sometimes I think we worry we don't have money, more so than the eternal standing we have in the Kingdom.  Perhaps Salvation is become just a cliche in Christian circles that we think our next paycheck is more important than it.....*** 

And so yesterday, I leaned back in Him.  

Yes, I do not know what tomorrow will be like.  

Yes, I do not know where I will be after two years in Singapore with OMF. 

Yes, I do not know where my career or my retirement will be (haha, I really haven't given these much thoughts). 

And yes, I really have no clue how I will provide for my family when I get married.  

But I rest everything in Him.  His Grace has been good to me.  He gave me a liver transplant.  He freed me from the endless cycle of drunken-ness.  He gave me life.  

Surely, if Jesus died on the Cross for me, the highest price a Father can give, He will no doubt take care of me.....in all the days...

AMEN!

Though OMF gave me a budget, I am working even hard to live simpler. I realize that I have a lot more, compare to the rest of the world.  For every dollar I save up, I am giving  to those who need it.  And yes, sometimes I feel like I need it too. And yes, sometimes I do feel like I should splurge on myself because it was a hard day at work.  And yes, some days I do ask God why do I have to skimming on life.  

One of the things I can do with the money I saved up is to sponsor a child in Uganda.  Surely, $180/year is what...3-4 meals in a fancy restaurant? Maybe a good date? (Heck, I rather I don't take my date to a fancy place and give it to those in need)? Or maybe a new mp3 player or a good gadget?

But those things feel good and won't save a life....let's spend it where it makes a difference in the Kingdom!!   

    25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? 

28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

- Matthew 6:25-34

More side note:  Yup, still sitting in the mall.  Actually in front of a bus station, surfing the net.  What I experience is not something new. I am sure all missionaries gone through this. Many gone through even more so than what i am going through.  And it is their examples, their faith and how God provided for them that give me hope and solidify what I am leaning on.

Money, Mission and Ministry

Currently in the process of raising support to be part of the IT team in OMF Headquarters.  Jotting a few thoughts, reflections and emotions.

I can still remember the shock and impossible feeling when the OMF missionary told me about this role and it was a non pay role.  Aka.  I have to raise my own support OR God has to open up the supplies for me to go.  That was in February.

In my prayer letter, I asked people to pray for me to not be so focus in money.  Of course, money is needed in order for me to go.  At the same time, many people asked me whether I should do this or do that in order to raise funds.

I once heard of a missionary going to Africa and the church organized a fair where people play games and win prizes to raise funds.

In my church, we sent a number of youths to Peru on a short term mission.  They had a number of ways to raise support.  One of them is becoming a slave for someone (detailing their cars, doing their chores etc.).  Someone suggested I should do that.

At first, I thought about doing a fundraising dinner.

There are many ways in raising support. OMF has a policy of non solicitation.  This is, I am technically, not suppose to ask directly for money.  Based on the tradition of Hudson Taylor (and other OMF missionaries) on how he raised funds (simply through prayer and relied on God), it seems that raising support today is so different.  This is not to say that the non solicitation method is the ONLY Christian way of doing things.  Even Paul in his ministries asked for other church to contribute (Romans 15:24-25) as he is on his way to go to Spain.

...

And I see how raising support, though it is for God's ministry, at times can be quite commercialize.  If this is a human endeavor, this is how you do it.  You network.  You meet as many people as you can.  You focus on those who can give (aka those who are rich).  You pass bulletin.  You sell and market yourself.  You build relationships.

In my mind, if I need more money.  I will just get a second job.  Why not?  It is much easier and I can probably make a lot more.

It is so much more tempting to focus on the money aspect and my eyes from seeking Him.

Money, the love of money, is evil.  While many of us will reason that, well we do need money to live, so what is wrong with asking for it.  Myself included, wonder how often I ask for money and I am not satisfy.  (Side note: I am taking from a context that I have far more than I need in a world where most people live less than 2 dollars a day....).

And so, what do I do?  What do I say?  Hehe..to be honest, when people ask me about this topic, I stutter.

Where do I start?  I start off with saying...seek God first and let's see how He provides.   Perhaps I can ask them to pray together with me.

...

The question I ask myself is how am I following His Will and not my will?  What's the method where I can surrender everything to Him?  It would be quite ironic if I am doing the Lord's work and yet not follow His Will.

For me, I focus on prayer, faith, and surrendering.

First, pray and be close to Him.  We can do many things.  But everything starts and continues to be in relationship with Him.

Second, have faith, many people ask me about my current job and what not.  It is no big deal.  It looks like the end but it is not.  Selling everything, withdrawing investments, these are all simply a matter of faith (or obedience).

Third, surrendering.  I have trouble talking about living everything for Jesus if I don't do it physically.  Is how I spend and how I save consistent with my preparation?  I believe there is a huge portion of it is just let go.  Even Jesus said to the rich young ruler, sell everything, give it to the poor and follow Him (Luke 18).  Or deny yourself, take up your cross and follow me (Matthew 16).  What can I say about surrendering in a culture which we aspire to collect and accumulate?  It is different.  And at times, I don't realize how much I attach to my things until I sell them.

...

So is this to say that I don't ask and just sit around? Well, there are many ways to raise support.  But for me,  right now, I am leaning towards on faith and pray.  This is not to say I do nothing.  I request my church to partner with me.  My friend asked me to submit an application to her church for support.  I am thankful with the positive response and the response from my congregation in supporting me.

So this is the fine line I am walking.  Maybe it is easier to go and promote this big thing.  But I am cautious as how often it draws attention to me and not to Him.  Cliff, the faithful one, is taking this big adventure to risk life to follow the Lord.  Cliff is risking everything.

Mission is never about what we do or what we give.  Mission is about He is doing.  It is God's very nature to send out and to go after the lost (this is very missional and Missio Dei thinking).  We are merely a participant in this.  Yes, we should encourage each other on the Great Commission. But may we never lift up ourselves higher than the source and sustainer of Mission.

...

At this point, OMF is asking me to come earlier because they need me by mid Nov.  So what does that mean?  How will the funds raise?  I have no idea.

I am hopeful.  Because this is all up to Him.  He has to open the doors.  He knows the need of many Asians who do not know the gospel  He knows my desire to serve.  He knows that I can contribute by ensuring the admin process of being a missionary is easier and communication between different parties (home side team, field side team, missionary, support staff) be made seamlessly.

And I am most hopeful because God always pull miracles when there is no way.  Perhaps this is God's nature to show that it is only Him that works.

I recalled Moses and parting of the Red Sea.  It was at the point when the Egyptians were behind them and there's no way out when God opened the way for the Israelites (Exodus 14).  Or Gideon when God reduced his army to a mere 300 against the enemy as many as the sands on the seashore (Judges 7).

This is God.  He is active as this is His mission and I am simply a participant in this.

Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”1

Then the LORD said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on. Raise your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea to divide the water so that the Israelites can go through the sea on dry ground. I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians so that they will go in after them. And I will gain glory through Pharaoh and all his army, through his chariots and his horsemen. The Egyptians will know that I am the LORD when I gain glory through Pharaoh, his chariots and his horsemen.”

Exodus 14:13-18

Beyond sentimental

When we follow the Lord, we tend to have some expectation of what God will do.  Instead of following, we 'lead' God in a self focus sense.  


Surely if I do this, this and this, God will do this.  
Or this is my plan for the ministry He has given to me, Lord you better bless this.


Inevitably, the Lord will surprise us by not following along.  Instead, the Lord will show us that He is the Lord and He is leading.  


What we expect the Lord to do, the Lord will not do.  Instead, the Lord will shatter our expectation and bring us to a point where we recognize that He is in control and He is in charge.


===

Some where at the back of my mind I always thought that when someone embark on following the Lord, other followers will have the same interest.  What I find tend to be different.  Ever since I tell others about my mission role in Singapore, I had the following conversations....

Friend: So when are you going to Singapore?
Me: Well, it depend on when I reach the funds I am expected to raise.
Friend: They don't pay you?
Me: Nope.  This is a mission role.  It is a mission organization.
Friend: They should pay you.  Don't they have money? What about World Vision?  They have lots of money.
Me:  It is a different organization.  World Vision is not a mission organization. It is a Christian organization but it doesn't focus on mission (in the context of sharing the gospel).
Friend:  Well, they still should pay you.

...

Friend: How come you are going to Singapore?
Me: Because God lead me there.
Friend: Do you know if you go to teach English in China, they will pay for you.

It's funny because when I first accepted the role, the biggest shocker is that I have to raise my own support.  And to be honest, this is like standing before a cliff and figuring out how to get to the top.

I am thankful by the many who support me, pray for me and encourage me.  I wish I can say

Cheer up, God is good. God will provide.

Instead, I am tired.  Every step I take I feel so heavy.  It feels like I am going nowhere.  Despite these feelings, the decision to go or called to go is beyond sentimental.  I don't follow Christ on a good day and on a bad day stop following Him.  Once the decision is made, God opened the doors, then I have to follow.

Perhaps part of the struggle is that a pigment of the imagination or expectation that when you follow Christ or part take in His ministry, others who are in the same faith will be as encouraging as well.  This is not say I have no encouragement. I am just realizing that some do not share same excitement as me.

And that's ok....that's ok because everyone will be use differently and called differently.  Not everyone has to support what I am doing.

And it's ok because if this is the Lord's Ministry, He will lead and He will provide.

One thing that I keep mentioning to myself is that even though right now it feels so slow.  Like I am going no where. I should move faster (to go nowhere :P).  There should be an urgency to prepare myself.  To sell things.  To thank those who support me.  To pray and so on.

What if it takes a year to raise funds or two years or five?  I should have the same urgency as it is if I am heading out tomorrow.

This week, I am taking a few days off.  I will be up in the cottage with a few friends.  I need to go back to what's important.  To rely on Him.  To seek Him.  To be counselled by Him.  To be led by Him.

Yes, there are works that my hands need to do.  But more importantly, it is where He is working which I need to focus on.

Yes, some day spiritually, I feel like crap.  And those are the circumstance which is in my life which will help me draw closer to Him.

Whirlwind

Everyday I get up, it feels like a to do list.

That's how I was feeling for the past three weeks.  Everyday, there's something to do.  A list of things needed to be done.  Emails. Follow-ups. Plan. Make decisions.

I haven't posted as much in the past few weeks.   I went to Cambodia on a Vision Quest with Ratanak from Jan 22nd till Feb 4th.  I also visited Singapore and Hong Kong for a week before I came back.

Afterwards, it was busy.  I had my course, Missions in a Global Context, to catch up.  Books to read.  Topics to research.  Papers to write.

Between getting use to back in Canada, God gave me a wonderful surprise.

Before going to Cambodia, I met up with a missionary from Overseas Missionary Fellowship (OMF).  He heard of my stories and my interest in missions.  When I came back, he offered me an IT role in OMF Headquarters in Singapore. It is a two year role helping their IT infrastructure.  I took a look at the role description and it is exactly what I am doing at my work.

---

It's almost divine.

Divine because I prayed to God to send me overseas for 2-3 year.  I am single. I am mobile.  I can go.

Divine because Singapore is close to Cambodia.  Though a part of me want to go back to Cambodia to help, I don't know if my health can handle it.  I had a liver transplant and if I have any complications, who knows how I can get help.  Singapore, on the other hand, is clean in that aspect.  I still ask God if this plan makes sense.  Use Singapore for a base to go to Cambodia. It's only two hour flight.  I have no idea what I can do in Cambodia.  The need there is much more than here.  At least in Canada if I need to find a church, I can walk down the street.

Divine also because of someone I met in Singapore.  My friend said...'OMF had many offices in around the world.  US, Canada and Taiwain....and God sent you to Singapore'

Divine because this is exactly what I am doing at my current job.  Translate business requirement to technical requirement.  Train users to use the system.

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And so the past few weeks were busy filling out forms, checking them twice, ask my family doc, ask my dentist, ask my friends for reference.

Among the ministries I am engage in.  Organizing a summer retreat for my congregation.  Lead University Fellowship.  Help out at Bible Quiz.....I am full.

Of all the things I miss, I missed those quiet times when I could get up early on Sat morning, grabbed my bike and go for a ride.  The quiet times I spent on the road and it was just me and Him.

Today I had a realization that if God is opening all the doors, I would be gone in two months.  That's fast.  I laugh (like Sarah) because I don't think that's possible.

My friend, studying MBA in a prestigious University, found out I am going to OMF and the role is a faith based role (aka I don't get paid.  God provides the funding)...in which he asked, "Cliff, what about retirement?  What are you going to do about that?"

I thought for a sec.  Trying to say it in a gentle way over Gmail chat.  Who am I following God or money?  If God calls me to go, I go.  I bang home with Matthew 6:30-32.  What am I seeking?  Retirement or His Kingdom? I also joke with him that he's only 30 and he's too young to worry about retirement.   Side note: I don't disagree with retirement.  It is just in the light of the world, when the world makes less than 2 dollars a day, and what Jesus commands of the rich...retirement seems a minor factor when it comes to His Kingdom.

He told me I am crazy (I don't disagree).  At the same time we both agreed that if we read the Bible, this just make sense.

I can say I am scared.  I joke that this is what happens when you pray too much.  He answers.  In the beginning of Luke, Zechariah, the father of John the Baptist, could not believe that the Lord would give him and Elizabeth a child because they were old.   The irony is that they pray for it.  Now the Lord answers and he was afraid and could not believe it....

Zechariah asked the angel, “How can I be sure of this? I am an old man and my wife is well along in years.”

Luke 1:18

I am still wondering why I am so scared.  Probably because He does answer.  Going to Cambodia.  My blood pressure.  My health.  This role.  God moves so fast I can barely keep up.  In a year, everything changes.

The guilty side is that a part of me don't want to change. I am comfortable here. I am comfortable in Mississauga.  In my job.  In my things.  I don't want to give it up.  Then I remind myself, these things are only temporary comfort.  They are minor when it comes to the Glory Of God.  And I remembered...vaguely of those times when I experience His Grace.  Everything else does pales in comparison to that.  Why would I want to go back?  There's no joy there. It might feel comfortable but no joy.

So here I wait.....a while ago I made a post on four doors in March 15th.

These are the four doors God have to open if I will be gone to Singapore....

• home
• field
• medical
• support

If you are the praying type, please pray for me.  Following Christ is definitely an adventure of a life time.  I wouldn't want it any other way.  Someday, I wanted to look back to this day and I can say to myself that I took one small leap of faith for Him.  I still think I am a  mouse of faith :O)

Thanks!

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

   “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:25-34