Surely if I do this, this and this, God will do this.
Or this is my plan for the ministry He has given to me, Lord you better bless this.
Inevitably, the Lord will surprise us by not following along. Instead, the Lord will show us that He is the Lord and He is leading.
What we expect the Lord to do, the Lord will not do. Instead, the Lord will shatter our expectation and bring us to a point where we recognize that He is in control and He is in charge.
Some where at the back of my mind I always thought that when someone embark on following the Lord, other followers will have the same interest. What I find tend to be different. Ever since I tell others about my mission role in Singapore, I had the following conversations....
Friend: So when are you going to Singapore?...
Me: Well, it depend on when I reach the funds I am expected to raise.
Friend: They don't pay you?
Me: Nope. This is a mission role. It is a mission organization.
Friend: They should pay you. Don't they have money? What about World Vision? They have lots of money.
Me: It is a different organization. World Vision is not a mission organization. It is a Christian organization but it doesn't focus on mission (in the context of sharing the gospel).
Friend: Well, they still should pay you.
Friend: How come you are going to Singapore?
Me: Because God lead me there.
Friend: Do you know if you go to teach English in China, they will pay for you.
It's funny because when I first accepted the role, the biggest shocker is that I have to raise my own support. And to be honest, this is like standing before a cliff and figuring out how to get to the top.
I am thankful by the many who support me, pray for me and encourage me. I wish I can say
Cheer up, God is good. God will provide.
Instead, I am tired. Every step I take I feel so heavy. It feels like I am going nowhere. Despite these feelings, the decision to go or called to go is beyond sentimental. I don't follow Christ on a good day and on a bad day stop following Him. Once the decision is made, God opened the doors, then I have to follow.
Perhaps part of the struggle is that a pigment of the imagination or expectation that when you follow Christ or part take in His ministry, others who are in the same faith will be as encouraging as well. This is not say I have no encouragement. I am just realizing that some do not share same excitement as me.
And that's ok....that's ok because everyone will be use differently and called differently. Not everyone has to support what I am doing.
And it's ok because if this is the Lord's Ministry, He will lead and He will provide.
One thing that I keep mentioning to myself is that even though right now it feels so slow. Like I am going no where. I should move faster (to go nowhere :P). There should be an urgency to prepare myself. To sell things. To thank those who support me. To pray and so on.
What if it takes a year to raise funds or two years or five? I should have the same urgency as it is if I am heading out tomorrow.
This week, I am taking a few days off. I will be up in the cottage with a few friends. I need to go back to what's important. To rely on Him. To seek Him. To be counselled by Him. To be led by Him.
Yes, there are works that my hands need to do. But more importantly, it is where He is working which I need to focus on.
Yes, some day spiritually, I feel like crap. And those are the circumstance which is in my life which will help me draw closer to Him.