In reality, the past few months were very busy. Looking back from Jan till May, it felt like everyday there was something to do. Between juggling ministries, application for OMF, I wondered how I was able to take a course at McMaster Divinity Seminary. Maybe these all attributed to some high liver enzymes numbers and high blood pressure.
Perhaps this is the North American lifestyle and the pace is very fast (irony, compared to certain Asia regions, like Hong Kong, Japan, or Korea, Canada feels sluggish), but last few weeks, I had to be very conscious to slow down. Very conscious to say no. Very conscious to have some time alone.
Earlier this year, I wrote a post on how God has to open four doors. They are health, family, church and support. These are the four doors in order for me to go on mission. It is a long term role at OMF Head Quarters. God, in His Grace, opens all the doors except one, support (aka finance).
Earlier this week, an OMF coordinator sent me my Total Support Fund (TSF). TSF is how much I need to raise in order for me to go. Given my liver transplant, I have to add on medication and routine tests. To say, it is much higher than what I expected.
And in a way I am a bit frustrated by this. Frustrated in that I am ready to go. I am good to go. But I might not go if I don't have enough money. Perhaps, the surprise is as a missionary I have to raise my own support and how much energy, time and effort has to go into it. Email others, write application, follow up. Of course, these are necessary. If someone is going to sponsor me, I will make sure that their money is going for the Kingdom of God and not my indulgence.
The post I wrote yesterday. I will be pretty honest. God has to pull some crazy miracle in order for me to go. Of course, God is all sovereign and if He provided me with a liver surely money is not an issue. Though a part of me also doubt as well....but just because I doubt, it doesn't mean I stop following Him.
A lesson I learnt during my triathlon years is that just because my body is telling me I am tired, it doesn't mean I have to slow down. I learn that I can keep going. Keep Moving.
And this frustration, doubt, uncertainty, gives me more energy to move forward.
So what can I do to save money?
What can I do to make more money?
What can I sell (check out Cliff's Garage sale)?
In triathlon or marathons or running races, there's a term we called toe-ing the line. It is the idea that when we step towards the starting line, we are simply to give everything we have in the race. So in the end, there's no regret. And to give everything, is very very risky because the body always want to go the other way.
And so, I am toe-ing the line in seeking God. This is not a time to stop. It is time to keep moving, keep praying and keep seeking.
The most reassurance is that Jesus loves us. Jesus considers us as His friends. I was reflecting from John 15.
|2006 Half Ironman Peterborough - this is the last bit of the run. At this stage, there's no holding back.|
“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other.
John 15: 9-17
If you are interested in learning about my missions and like to pray for me, you can sign up as my prayer partner. You can also contact me and let me know as well. :O) Thank you!