Surreal

Sitting at Gate 139 in Terminal 1.  The flight leaves in two hours and there's time to sit and be still.

Drinking medium regular (Medium coffee with one milk one sugar) and a whole wheat bagel toasted, not butter.

Realizing that today will be the last morning I am in Canada.  The drive to the airport was the last time I will drive for a while.  This morning will be the last time I sleep at home.  It will be a while before I see Jojo (the family cat).

Of all the things to do and emails to send, I haven't really think about how tomorrow will be like.  Perhaps if I sit and don't do anything for a brief minutes, the realization of going to Singapore, to serve at Overseas Missionary Fellowship (OMF) for two years, to live on faith and not by sight will don on me.

Sitting here, with my backpack, my bike helmet, and knowing that all that I own is in one suit case and a bike box.....there's a sense of lost-ness and vulnerability.  All the things I accumulated and which I rely on are gone.  Decisions have to be made on what to keep and what to give, sell or throw away.   It feels like a lack of freedom.  The freedom of using my stuff to say go bike or go play paintball.  No bike and no paintball equipment, I cannot do neither of these things.

At the same time, there's also a sense of relief.   In a way, the physical act of throwing away my things free up the clutter in my life.   There's a level of stress when there's too much stuff.  Are they being taken properly? Where do I store them?  What if someone stole them?   Without stuff, all these worries dissipate.

Lastly and more importantly, I am surreal on how everything is unfolding.  A few months ago, I will not expect me to go.  It is just not possible.  There's a sense of disbelief.  BUT I don't think a sense of disbelief makes us a less of a Christian.  Someone who is truly mature in Christ is to act in faith despite one's disbelief.  

I can't see where the path lead. I am scare where it will go (or not go).  These thoughts and feelings don't stop us from following Him.

As I was clearing my stuff, I thought about Hudson Taylor when he started OMF (formerly called China Inland Mission).  He had about 10 lbs in his pocket.  Barely enough for a living.  Taking in faith and having a vision to reach for the lost in China. He boldly took a step in faith and started China Inland Mission...

...indeed faith is illogical.  It makes no sense.

...

There's always a sense of what I am doing is very important.  But when I look at many of the Christian Missionaries (Eric Liddell, James Fraser etc.) and many others (especially the nameless ones), this is all part of the journey of seeking His Kingdom first above all.  I am still in a surreal moment in how everything is unfolding.

How will the next two years in Singapore be like?  What will I do afterwards?  These are good questions to ask and reflect...but for now I prefer to stay in a surreal state.  The realization that God is good, He is active and He is leading.  And my role is merely a response by following Him as close as possible.

“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.”

Matthew 4:19 (NIV)