36,000

“36,000!"

My friend exclaimed.

“That’s not a lot.  The government takes away 20% off that immediately.”

We were having lunch over Mr Prata today. I was sharing with him my journey of Ironman back in 2006.  It was definitely a different time.  I just got started in triathlon.  It was my first job after University.

To be honest, it wasn’t a lot.  To make matter worst, during a commute bike ride, I fell over and broke my teeth.  During that summer, for a few months, I was missing a front tooth and a half tooth.  Because of the missing teeth, I can’t pronounce properly.

I had no dental plan and everything have to pay from my own pocket.  I remembered crying to the Lord because I don’t know whether they could fix my teeth.  On top of that, the medication I took for my liver transplant made my gums swelled, making things more complicated to fix my teeth.  All of these happened two months after my baptism.  I joked to my Pastor whether this was God’s way of punishing me.  He said NO, don’t think like that.

My friend had a background in business.  He is now studying MBA and Law together.  He is going to do an Ironman.  Over prata and curry, he spent the conversation picking my brain.  He knows money inside out.  To hear someone making 36,000, after graduation is like a joke.  There are times when I am ashamed of how little I make.

The more I reflect, the more I realize it is actually good for me to make so little.  This tragedy of the missing teeth, in a way, is a blessing.  It has taught me that I have a Heavenly Father that provides.

I continued to share that despite the circumstances; God provided the fund whenever a dental bill was due.  I learnt how to cut back and live simply.  Not over indulge or spent on un-important things.  I learnt how to live simply.  A prerequisite for a missionary.  But the most important lesson of all, it is to live by faith.
I looked someone like Abraham.  He obeyed God and left everything at an ripe age of 75 (Genesis 12:4).  God told him to go and he became a stranger in a foreign land.  He left his families, his land, his identity, simply he has the faith that the Lord will provide a better identity, better land, better inheritance for him (Hebrews 11:8-11).

My friend then shared one of his colleagues is flustered over life because the windows on his Mercedes won’t close at the same rate.  Compare to them, my life is just weird. As I am in Singapore, one of the riches city state in the world, I cling to this lesson of faith daily.

I am sure at that time of Abraham, all his friends and his relatives think he is nuts.  Or Noah building an ark.  A life following Jesus, living by faith, should be nuts and weird.  I remembered one of Francis Chan’s sermons where he preached that someone who looks at your life should be so different from the world that they either say you are crazy or think, wow, there must be a God.

The funny thing about faith is that it is not one time event.  Just as Abraham’s faith in God grow from one faith to another.  From leaving his land to willing to sacrifice Issac, his beloved and only son, Abraham experienced His Faith and he grew.

Faith begets faith.

I shared with my friend that my teeth incident helped me grow my faith to sell everything and come to Singapore.  I know God provided me in the past, He would provide me in the future.  As my fiancée and I discuss about going to the mission field, there will be a time in the future, when once again we will have to give up everything and follow Him.  At that time, it will be this growing faith we cling on to.

Walking in Faith

Sometimes I go to places like Cambodia or where I am better off than others...and often there's this guilt factor where i feel like i am helpless or the situation is too big to confront. It can be homeless, poverty, human traffic....way too big.

Do I sing that Jesus can do all things and love Justice and mercy and not able to see Jesus in brothels or among the brokenness? If Jesus is the center of all things and restore the captives and give sight to the blind, won't He be able to take care of these things? In another words, do I have the faith to walk with Him in the darkness??

The more I read the Bible, the more I see that those who follow Jesus is different. There's no middle ground. A total surrender life is very different than those who give a bit and dictate to God which part they are willing to give.

It is an uneasy feeling to follow Jesus because I find it I am very different than most people (Christian included). Think different. Act different. Live different. Not better. Priority just shifts. All the 'normal' things are not as important anymore.

To walk in faith, it is not merely say the problem is too big and walk away. As much as we have an inclination to turn away and go back to our normal life, we, instead, run toward the problem. Not knowing where to start. Maybe doubting our own skills and talents. And slowly lean on Him who supplies us with all good things. We comfort the darkness not because we are capable. But rather in our weakness, He shines even more. Restoring the situation and as well transforming us.

At the same time, there's also a strong peace feeling. The feeling of awe to know that wow..this is what we mean by seeking the Kingdom. This is not something we read off a book. This is real. We can feel it. We rejoice. This is how the Holy Spirit will work through us and in us. This is good. Soo good and wonderful.

=====

“There is a difference between standing in hope and walking in faith. 

Faith is not an abstract theoretical proposition. It’s not wishful thinking. It’s substance. It’s action. Most of my life I imagined faith as some kind of force field. And the way we talk about faith dematerializes it. By most definitions, faith is synonymous with hope. But the more I study Scripture, the more I detect a sharp distinction between hope and faith. 

Hope is a desire. Faith is a demonstration. Hope wants it to happen. Faith causes it to happen and acts as if it’s already done. 

Faith is not content to want it really, really badly. Faith consults the drawings and gets busy building. Hope is the blueprint. Faith is the contractor. 

Some of the impossible things we’re believing God for will never happen in our lives if we stand in hope instead of walking in faith.”

“Sun Stand Still” by Steven Furtick

Devotion - Yes, but...

Taken from My Utmost for His Highest...I found it very relate-ble as I am going through the application for OMF.

Lord, I will follow You, but . . . —Luke 9:61

Suppose God tells you to do something that is an enormous test of your common sense, totally going against it. What will you do? Will you hold back? If you get into the habit of doing something physically, you will do it every time you are tested until you break the habit through sheer determination. And the same is true spiritually. Again and again you will come right up to what Jesus wants, but every time you will turn back at the true point of testing, until you are determined to abandon yourself to God in total surrender. Yet we tend to say, “Yes, but— suppose I do obey God in this matter, what about . . . ?” Or we say, “Yes, I will obey God if what He asks of me doesn’t go against my common sense, but don’t ask me to take a step in the dark.”

Jesus Christ demands the same unrestrained, adventurous spirit in those who have placed their trust in Him that the natural man exhibits. If a person is ever going to do anything worthwhile, there will be times when he must risk everything by his leap in the dark. In the spiritual realm, Jesus Christ demands that you risk everything you hold on to or believe through common sense, and leap by faith into what He says. Once you obey, you will immediately find that what He says is as solidly consistent as common sense. 

By the test of common sense, Jesus Christ’s statements may seem mad, but when you test them by the trial of faith, your findings will fill your spirit with the awesome fact that they are the very words of God. Trust completely in God, and when He brings you to a new opportunity of adventure, offering it to you, see that you take it. We act like pagans in a crisis— only one out of an entire crowd is daring enough to invest his faith in the character of God.

I was thinking on Friday that following Christ is a matter of surrendering.  Surrendering a bit of my life.  Sometimes in pieces, sometimes as a whole and let Him take over.  Perhaps in a western world, the mentality of surrendering is unfavorable when we have a desire to accumulate more and build wealth and security.

When Jesus asked His followers to follow Him, He asked them to surrender their identity, their possessions, all the things they once hold dear to.  The fishermen gave up their nets and boat.  The tax collector gave up his booth.  In some ways, the person is dead.  That person no longer exists.  Does Jesus offering something better in return?  Haha...this must be the selfish mindset at work.  Why would I want to give up everything if I am not getting something better in value?

Faith is a funny thing.  Faith cannot be develop by what we see or touch.  It is invisible.  Faith can only comes from trial, adversity and at times as Oswald Chambers said...taking a shot in the dark.

Someone might go to church.  Read their Bibles.  Do ministry.  Tithe.  Go to fellowship.  Does everything 'right' and still lack the faith to follow Jesus.  In the eyes of those who don't believe there is a God or in God, faith is random, foolishness and non-sense.  Indeed, why not. If I don't believe in God, why would I believe He is at work.

But for those of us who call ourselves Christians.  Faith is essential.  And sometimes we run away at adversity.   We complain, whine (at worst..I know for me, rant) to God how unfair of the circumstances or situations we are in or those we have to deal with.  We pray earnestly for Him to take those painful moments away.

Perhaps these moments are where we build stronger faith by leaning on Him.  Just as Oswald describes that once we obey when we risk everything and take the leap of faith, we found His words are true, the relationship with the Divine becomes more real when we decided to lean on to Him.

When the uncertainty comes, when what God calls us to do make no sense, it is not for us to go back.  Though, there might be a huge inclination to do so.  Instead, we should lean closer to Him.  Pursuit the Divine ever more.  Meditate to the point where we can taste and feel His peace surround us.  Ever as our circumstances crumble beneath us.  Our faith will grow abound.  And those 'trials' will simply trail away as we delight in His communion.....

AMEN!

One of the traits of a humble servant is not the skills, talents or possessions one accumulate.  But rather at any given time, to give up, to surrender and to obey the call of the master.  

Whirlwind

Everyday I get up, it feels like a to do list.

That's how I was feeling for the past three weeks.  Everyday, there's something to do.  A list of things needed to be done.  Emails. Follow-ups. Plan. Make decisions.

I haven't posted as much in the past few weeks.   I went to Cambodia on a Vision Quest with Ratanak from Jan 22nd till Feb 4th.  I also visited Singapore and Hong Kong for a week before I came back.

Afterwards, it was busy.  I had my course, Missions in a Global Context, to catch up.  Books to read.  Topics to research.  Papers to write.

Between getting use to back in Canada, God gave me a wonderful surprise.

Before going to Cambodia, I met up with a missionary from Overseas Missionary Fellowship (OMF).  He heard of my stories and my interest in missions.  When I came back, he offered me an IT role in OMF Headquarters in Singapore. It is a two year role helping their IT infrastructure.  I took a look at the role description and it is exactly what I am doing at my work.

---

It's almost divine.

Divine because I prayed to God to send me overseas for 2-3 year.  I am single. I am mobile.  I can go.

Divine because Singapore is close to Cambodia.  Though a part of me want to go back to Cambodia to help, I don't know if my health can handle it.  I had a liver transplant and if I have any complications, who knows how I can get help.  Singapore, on the other hand, is clean in that aspect.  I still ask God if this plan makes sense.  Use Singapore for a base to go to Cambodia. It's only two hour flight.  I have no idea what I can do in Cambodia.  The need there is much more than here.  At least in Canada if I need to find a church, I can walk down the street.

Divine also because of someone I met in Singapore.  My friend said...'OMF had many offices in around the world.  US, Canada and Taiwain....and God sent you to Singapore'

Divine because this is exactly what I am doing at my current job.  Translate business requirement to technical requirement.  Train users to use the system.

---

And so the past few weeks were busy filling out forms, checking them twice, ask my family doc, ask my dentist, ask my friends for reference.

Among the ministries I am engage in.  Organizing a summer retreat for my congregation.  Lead University Fellowship.  Help out at Bible Quiz.....I am full.

Of all the things I miss, I missed those quiet times when I could get up early on Sat morning, grabbed my bike and go for a ride.  The quiet times I spent on the road and it was just me and Him.

Today I had a realization that if God is opening all the doors, I would be gone in two months.  That's fast.  I laugh (like Sarah) because I don't think that's possible.

My friend, studying MBA in a prestigious University, found out I am going to OMF and the role is a faith based role (aka I don't get paid.  God provides the funding)...in which he asked, "Cliff, what about retirement?  What are you going to do about that?"

I thought for a sec.  Trying to say it in a gentle way over Gmail chat.  Who am I following God or money?  If God calls me to go, I go.  I bang home with Matthew 6:30-32.  What am I seeking?  Retirement or His Kingdom? I also joke with him that he's only 30 and he's too young to worry about retirement.   Side note: I don't disagree with retirement.  It is just in the light of the world, when the world makes less than 2 dollars a day, and what Jesus commands of the rich...retirement seems a minor factor when it comes to His Kingdom.

He told me I am crazy (I don't disagree).  At the same time we both agreed that if we read the Bible, this just make sense.

I can say I am scared.  I joke that this is what happens when you pray too much.  He answers.  In the beginning of Luke, Zechariah, the father of John the Baptist, could not believe that the Lord would give him and Elizabeth a child because they were old.   The irony is that they pray for it.  Now the Lord answers and he was afraid and could not believe it....

Zechariah asked the angel, “How can I be sure of this? I am an old man and my wife is well along in years.”

Luke 1:18

I am still wondering why I am so scared.  Probably because He does answer.  Going to Cambodia.  My blood pressure.  My health.  This role.  God moves so fast I can barely keep up.  In a year, everything changes.

The guilty side is that a part of me don't want to change. I am comfortable here. I am comfortable in Mississauga.  In my job.  In my things.  I don't want to give it up.  Then I remind myself, these things are only temporary comfort.  They are minor when it comes to the Glory Of God.  And I remembered...vaguely of those times when I experience His Grace.  Everything else does pales in comparison to that.  Why would I want to go back?  There's no joy there. It might feel comfortable but no joy.

So here I wait.....a while ago I made a post on four doors in March 15th.

These are the four doors God have to open if I will be gone to Singapore....

• home
• field
• medical
• support

If you are the praying type, please pray for me.  Following Christ is definitely an adventure of a life time.  I wouldn't want it any other way.  Someday, I wanted to look back to this day and I can say to myself that I took one small leap of faith for Him.  I still think I am a  mouse of faith :O)

Thanks!

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

   “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:25-34

Faith

That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” 36 Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. 37 A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. 38 Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”

39 He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. 

40 He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” 

41 They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”

Mark 4:35-41

This is the passage I will be teaching on Sunday School.  All I can see is the lack of faith in the storms of my own life.

It is time to not just talk about faith.  Just to live it.  Exegesis might be important.  But a heart and a spirit mold out of faithful servant is more desirable.

Man of faith?

Today, someone told me that I am a man of faith...

I think I am more like mouse of faith.  Small faith...

Keep Sleeping

 35 That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” 36 Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. 37 A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. 38 Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” 

 39 He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

 40 He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” 

 41 They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”

Mark 4:35-41

I read this passage from my church's annual report on Sunday.

A lot of times when our own storm comes against our boat, we get scared.  A friend recently told me how I am so positive among all the 'trials' in my life.  I don't think I am positive. I worry a lot. I laugh and replied that I am positive because I am not bright enough to be scared.

Before I went to Cambodia, my blood work was going crazy.  I have blood work taken every three months to measure my liver functions.  My numbers were so high they had to redo the blood results a few times.  The norm of the numbers should be in their 20s.  Mine was 200+.

Another friend told me to have faith and not be afraid.   And so we prayed and the numbers were back to the normal right before I went to Cambodia.

I took another blood work last Fri and the numbers were normal except one.  Then I remembered this story in the Bible.  The disciples were worried because of the storm rocking the boat.  Jesus was sleeping and they had to wake him up.

So here's my storm....and I am going to sleep.  Keep sleeping, which should be no problem because I am very good at that ;o)

The clinic told me to take another blood work end of next week ;O)

Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?

The Lord is my shepherd; 

I have all that I need. 

Psalm 23:1

Seek....

with boldness and courage...that's the essence of faith.

Ironman Reflection: Going all out and faith

To some it might sound crazy.  The biggest 'enjoyment' I get from Ironman, marathon and any type of you-have-to-run-how-long races...the longer endurance events is that in each of the race there is a pivotal point where I have to make a decision to go all out.

There is much joy in that.  At this point, it is always, always the most trying.  The point where the body is tired.  Every part of the body is screaming in pain.  The temptation to slow down hovers in the air.  As the physical body starts to falter, the mind, ironically, is never so focus and the emotion never feel so intense.

Doubt, uncertainty all boils down to....how far can I hold on?  Can I keep going?

This is not a philosophical question where we sit and weigh the pros and cons.
It is not a scientific question.  It is not a lab as to see how far the body can go.  I can't dupilicate it on training days or other simulation.

And as always, the answer is:

I don't know....but I will keep going anyways.

I remembered in Ironman Lake Placid in 2007.  After a 3.8 km swim and a 180 km bike ride, an equivalent of a  ten hour 'warm up', I had to contend with running a marathon.  Forty two kilometers between reality and a dream.

Two years of training.
Two years of uncertainty.
Two years of grasping the impossible all came down to this.

Fourty two kilometers (that's 24 miles).

The race course consisted of two laps.  The first lap I was on track.  I was in the groove.  Feeling strong and roaring to go.

By the second lap, the glamor of triathlon faded.  Reality set in.

The race course became an arena of survival.  Each of us, triathletes, with our own reasons, our own doubts, our own pain and struggles, battled among the elements and our tired bodies, as we inched our way toward the finish line.

All reasons for motivation went out the door.
There was only one goal left.

To get to the finish line.

Whatever means, whatever it takes.

With about ten kilometers left, my left quad wanted to cramp.

That was the breaking point.  The point where the body yearned for rest, I made a choice.

I told my quad (yes, us triathletes are a bit nutty.  We sometimes talk to our body)...

Quads, I don't care if you are going to cramp.  You can cramp.  But I am going to keep running and that's that.  So go ahead and cramp.  Because I ain't going to stop.

At this point, the moment where every type of pain and suffering clouded me, one decision brought relieve and liberation.  I was no longer fear or worry whether I would make it.  I started to jog.  I picked up the pace.  I kept going.

There is no better description than a photographic moment before I crossed the finish line.

A wearied body.
Going all out.
Nothing was left.
Just gritz and raw passion. 

...

Some think the glory lies solely in the finish line.  There is some truth in that.  I never feel so happy everytime I cross the finish line.  The true joy, for me, is the precious moment in a race when the pressure is on, when my body is screaming to slow down, yet a little and soft whisper wants to keep going....and so we take that leap of faith and see...

How a physical journey easily mirrors a spiritual one.  When we talk about faith, Christian faith, one often mistaken that we can sit back and let God do His thing.  God will definitely do His thing.  It is at those pivotal points when I ask, really God? Is this what You want me to do, at those points where I have to count my cost and follow Him, did I find my faith, and Him, ever so real.

Lord, can I ride again? I like to go all out.  Thank you!

...

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

 In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: 

   "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, 

      and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, 

 because the Lord disciplines those he loves, 

      and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

Hebrews 12:1-13

Five Hundred Dollars

Starcraft 2 is a computer game that came out earlier this week.  If you are into computer gaming and real time strategy, this is by far one of the most exciting news for a long time.  People are lining up over night, pre-order to get a hold of this game.

I really like the original.  In highschool, I will play it all the time.  Even after so many years, I still play Starcraft on and off.

Earlier this year, I spent a lot of time checking what kind of computer I need to run Starcraft 2.  I realized I needed a new computer.  Spent a lot of time online to check and compared what's the best price and the best spec.

I budgeted myself 500 dollars for components to upgrade the computer.  This is not a lot of money considering the average budget for a new computer is around 1,000 to 2,000.

After months of research, I compiled a list of components I wanted to buy. Everything is good to go....

There is a little part of me kept thinking about what Jesus said in Matthew 6:33:

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

After hearing stories from International Justice Mission and Hagar International, I am less motivated to spend money on entertainment.  It is a good game and I will have a lot of fun. Even my friends are asking me to buy the game....

This morning, a post from Hagar International caught my eye. The post is entitled, how your gift helps.  The post outlines a certain donation amount helps sustain their program.

$500   Three months' training program to prepare one woman for sustainable employment.

When Bhoupa was 17, she received an offer too good to be true. A promised waitress job turned out to be life in a brothel. She escaped once, only to be returned. In an unusual twist, Bhoupa's siblings sold their small house to buy their sister back. With no way to support herself, however, Bhoupa was still vulnerable. She found her way to Hagar and chose to learn cosmetology, through the Career Pathways Training Program. Now, Bhoupa runs her own salon, has recently married and is expecting her first child.

One computer game can lasts me a lot of entertainment.  I can spend the same money on helping someone for three months to turn their life around.

Looking at some of the brokenness around the world, I can say there is certain sadness and guilt.  Does what Jesus really some fancy words I memorize and can recite it? Or maybe even know the Greek definition, study the heck out of it, know every other reference to it?

Or do I just take the harder road and to live it out.  And I must admit, my friends will surely be disappointed after all the raving I done about how much I want this game and I am not going to get it.  Not sure if they will understand as I don't want to sound like I am some saint.  And I won't be playing with them if they decided to have a LAN Party.

The same amount can help turn a person's live around.  A person that I do not know or ever see in my life.

I think about Lazarus and the poor man as well.  Jesus said this parable to point out the Pharisees how they simply turn the poor around them away.  They didn't even make aware of their existence...No compassion.  How sad.

So following the way of Jesus can be a lonely road at times.

Some day, on this lonely journey, you will face a strong head wind.

And the more you move, the more it feels like you are barely moving forward.

Yet, we should just keep riding on.

Because this road is a road that He laid out for us.

His Spirit is ahead of us, guiding us along.

He already done everything need to be done.  We are merely just witnesses to His Glory.

Some day will be easy.

Some day will be tough.

Some day you will feel all alone.

Some day no one will understand you.  People think you are nuts.

Some day you might not even understand why you do what you do.   You might even think you are nuts.

Yet, there is a faith and hope that I cling on to.  Even when, in a smallest sense, where I can spend the money to get the game and computer that I WANT.  I choose other wise.

...

By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh's daughter, choosing rather to endure ill-treatment with the people of God than to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin, considering the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures of Egypt; for he was looking to the reward.

Hebrews 11:24

This might sound cynical but I want to add that Moses suffered more ill-treatment from HIS own people....ouch!

I haven't donate the 500 dollars to Hagar International.   I have another project in my mind I wish to pursuit.

One of the joy of being single and serving God is that I can ride this Christian living as hard and as crazy as I  can and want.  [Not to say it is bad to get marry....just for now, I am single..what a great opportunity to pursuit His Kingdom at all cost! Probably just gotta find a partner that wanna go crazy as well!! :D]

Nuts!

This story has nothing related to my post...but since this is my blog, I get to write what I want :)..I thought this is quite a serious and funny story to share.

In World War Two, one of the biggest battle fought was the Battle of Bastogne. It was in December 1944 when Germany launch one of their last counter attack against the Allies. The German Army encircled a number of paratroopers (the 101st US Airborne) in a town called Bastogne. The German officers asked the trapped soldiers to surrender.

The German Commander received this reply:

To the German Commander, NUTS!, The American Commander

Hehe.  The Germans had no idea what he meant.

...

I was sharing with a sister earlier this week that I think sometimes I think I am nuts.  Can't everyone see it?  Can't anyone understand?  To give up one's life??!?!?

For example, let's take the idea of voluntarily selling everything they have to join Him....and as crazy as that sounds, it is also very intriguing and attractive. Sure, I had discussion about it.  What would you do if you have to sell everything and follow Christ?  Would you do it?

Sure.  We will say yes. I know I would.  When I seriously thinking of doing so, I can feel a mix of emotions.  Wow, it is hard to let go.  And to let go require the changing of one's heart.  And it is only the Lord that can change one's heart.

A while back I was asking God, 'God, how come my pay is so little? I had been working for so long.  Shouldn't I deserve a higher paying job so I can be more independent?'

More independent...less reliance from God??  Ha.

After understanding it was God's provision at work and how He provided me throughout the years.  I had an ever lasting God with so much love and compassion. Why would I go anywhere else???

I stopped asking that question. (Matthew 6:25...do not worry what you eat or drink).

This is where the rubber meets the road. To be honest, I don't think most of my friends understand (and that's ok...b/c sometimes I don't think I understand).

I had been asking for God to give away my tri-bike.  This is like my prize asset.  All my friends know I love the bike and sometimes they tease me that I treat the bike like a real person..hehe

If it is something I cherish so much, why am I asking for God to take it away?  I know it doesn't make logical sense.  I can't really explain it.

I feel like I need to be free of everything and seek His Kingdom and His Righteousness.  This ain't some monk like attitude where I live off the land and so on.  But rather, I wanted to strengthen my faith and rely on Him to provide.

When I see how the Lord provides, it is very 'illogical'.   The stories of Moses, Abraham, Joseph, Jacob, Gideon, Samson, David, Samuel, Jonah.the lists goes on and on.  None of their life is very logical.

Who would give birth when they are old in age? (Moses and Sarah)
Who would send 300 people against an army big as the sands in the dessert? (Gideon)
Who would be anointed as King and spend the majority of his life being hunted like a fugitive? (David)

So I say....yup I think I am nuts sometimes.

My previous pastor was from Philippines.  He once shared with us the story of how he went to England to get his Ph D.  He told us that he had to take a risk.  It was a step of faith.  Biblical Faith.  He and his wife sold everything and they didn't have enough money to live in England.  At the airport, the official asked them how would they live with so little money.  To which he replied, 'by faith'.  The official laughed, stamped their passport and let them pass.

When they arrived and went to school, he applied for this grant.  The application he wrote was horrible.  Even his wife didn't understand what he was writing.  Yet, by faith, he received the grant among many entries.  God is at work...

...

And so here I am.  The longing for such faith.  The refining of my life to be a witness to receive such faith.  And sometimes if I am nuts and I don't make sense...it is ok.  He always provides.

The apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith!" (Luke 17:5)

Notice that the apostles said it to the Lord.  They understood that only Jesus can increase their faith.  Or in a way, they realize they cannot do this on their own.....and I know I cannot do it on my own....

Isolation

In the midst of darkness and isolation, I smile. For I know I am not alone.

The last half of last year, I have been feeling up and down. Perhaps this is a bit of naive thinking, I always thought when someone has a desire to share the Gospel, the Christian circle will encourage. This might be a self center mentality (I need help and I expect you to help me in this way. If you me in this way, we are not friends....etc etc.).

Instead, I found is isolation and loneliness. I was reading a The Making of a Leader: Recognizing the Lessons and Stages of Leadership Development for my leadership course a few days ago. The author wrote about a timeline of how God transformed people into leaders. There is a stage where there is a feeling of isolation. Hmm....that felt very real. I can share that experience. It wasn't just head knowledge. But an experience associate with pain and struggles.

Perhaps this is the fleshly desire to be comfortable and complacent. Sometimes isolation is a good thing. How? This is the point where I am alone with God and a test and a trial to see whether I am following Christ alone and depend on Him solely. This is where I can see whether I am for real or not. Whether I am paying lip service or sold out for Christ.

Now, I am going through a second round of isolation.

This time, I will not be fill with bitterness and resentment.

I will not fight back. I already step away from the shore of comfort and complacency. I can go back to where I once was. I can still see the shore. I smile. Even it is tempting for the eyes and to the heart to head back where I started. I know where that lies. The shore that goes nowhere.

Besides..following Christ and living on faith alone is way too exciting :DDDD

No. I am going to focus my energy on Him alone. For He redeemed me to be His children and He called me to follow a path for His Kingdom. He already show me what's out there. He already done everything that need to be done. What more should I ask?

And so I will lean on Him. Even more so. I do not like the dependency on someone else. But now, the I can do all this on my own mentality is dead. Now I have to humble myself and seek.

Seeing God's faithfulness....

I was at Irvine, California over the weekend for a business trip. On Fri, I drove along the coast. It was nice to be at the beach.

There were a few sandpipers along the water. Every time a wave retreated, the sandpipers would rush down and dug their beaks into the sand.

The sandpipers would retreat before the next wave. Sometimes there were small waves which the sandpipers would avoid at ease. Every once in a while, there would be one big roller and they had to scramble as fast as they could on their skinny legs.

The sandpipers would want to be as close to the water as possible. I guessed there must be more food there. I did not know what they were after. Whatever it was, they had to risk getting wet to get it.

This cat and mouse game would go on as I walked on. None of the sandpipers I observed would get wash up. It was almost instinctive as if they knew how strong or weak each wave was and adjust accordingly.

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I often wonder how much God can provide and how abundance is His Grace. Granted, we all know God provide us richly as Jesus mentioned in Matthew 6. But really, when it comes to my life, do I believe that? Do I live according to God's providence? Or do I hoard in thinking that what I hoard will keep me alive??

So I decided a while back to have a cat and mouse game with God. Let's try to live a life with a full realization that God will and can provide. Let's give generously. Not just generously but ridiculously generous. Especially in the time of dire. In the face of drought.

And this is a cat and mouse game I intend to keep playing. To take that risk of faith and see where God provides. And with each step forward. There is a huge desire to take a few steps back...hmm this is where the rubber meets the road. This is scary. This is fun. This is exciting. And it is hard on the nerves. Though, I never feel more alive than before.

I never doubt God's faithfulness. Rather it is my lack of faith that hindered me.

Faith

Exodus 3
Moses and the Burning Bush

11 But Moses said to God, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?"

....

13 Moses said to God, "Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' and they ask me, 'What is his name?' Then what shall I tell them?"

....
Exodus 4

1 Moses answered, "What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, 'The LORD did not appear to you'?"

....

10 Moses said to the LORD, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue."

....

13 But Moses said, "O Lord, please send someone else to do it."
14 Then the LORD's anger burned against Moses...
....

The first time I joined a group to swim in open water was quite an experience. The day was windy and cloudy. From the wind, the lake has rolling waves. It is one thing to enjoy the scenery of the waves. It is another to plunge in for a swim. The water is murky. The waves smack you around. It feels like swimming in a washing machine.

There is a lot of fear and hesitation. What if I drown? What if the under current grab me and I can't get out? What if there is something in the water? Despite, knowing full well that the lake has no monsters or sharks, the fear, the unknown stir my heart.

As I stand at the beach, looking at the waves and finding the courage to take the first swim, it is like following Christ.

We just need to have faith. For myself, lately, I become aware the point where I have to give up myself and have faith in Him.

It reminds me of Moses when God commands him to bring his people out of Egypt.

Over and over again, Moses protest that he is not qualify to do so. He is old, he cannot speak, no one will believe him. God again and again show His Sovereign power with miracles and assurance that He will be with him.

As I am praying and discerning for God's guidance on going to Mac Div, I am hesitant. It is one thing to have a well lay path and know what the next few years is like. It is another when I know the destination but the path is twisted with turns and at some point, the path simply does not exist.

So here I am, sitting in front of my laptop in my room. I can still envision the time I was standing by the lake looking at the waves. With sand between my toes and the feel of the crisp air. Part of me have a lot of concern. Maybe this is not safe. Maybe I might get hurt. Maybe this is is not for me. The unknown. The uncertainty. Blah blah blah. I took the plunge.

Only this time, instead of training for an Ironman, a test of mental and physical will, I will be discovering how far my faith lies.